The Fall of Man (in the truest sense)

What the hell has happened to the men? While having lunch with my mother the other day (yes, I take time out of my life to have lunch with my mom on occasion) we got on the topic of what is happening to the image of manly men. It started when I mentioned that I watched Twilight: New Moon the other night. I know that casts a shadow on what I am about to write about, but I’m not afraid to say I’ll try anything once (especially when there is nothing else on TV). I made some comments along my usual stance concerning the whole Twilight thing, which is, “What the hell are we teaching girls/women with these kinds of books/movies?” The female lead, whatever her name is, was left by her vampire love (since when are vampires sexy, something to be desired) and she went through months of depression. So if your man leaves you, you should lie around and be depressed, ignoring your friends and lying to your parents? Awesome. When she realizes she can see visions of him when she puts herself in danger, she goes off the deep end (figuratively and literally) trying to get these visions of him. What does this say? Try to kill yourself and maybe your man will come back? Disturbing. But, these things lend to the drama of the movie, so I am willing to let them slide. What bothers me the most is these supposedly sexy, desirable vampire guys are all pasty, hair produce laden, effeminate metro-sexuals. This is what girls and women find attractive these days? What a girl wants is a man who spends more time on their appearance than they do? Well, at least the Indian werewolf guys were kind of badass.

I used the example of James Bond. Bond has perhaps been the icon of male virility for almost five decades. You know this because some of the manliest men in show business have played the role. Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Sean Connery, and even Pierce Brosnan (we named our lab after him because he was James Bond when we got our dog) all had that dashing machismo that worked for James Bond. These were au natural dudes. Chest hair, scars, boxy frames and that sort of swagger that let you know they could get any woman they wanted. This was the prototype for man up until the recent few years. Who’s the new James Bond? Daniel Craig…a chest waxing, frosted tips, emotional basket case. I walk the streets, I look at magazines, and I see the feminizing of men. Ads tell me that my hair should be perfect and my skin should be clear. Soft hands lotions and moisturizing creams are now in the men’s grooming aisle next to the traditional bottles of Old Spice aftershave (which I use). What is this world coming to? What are men coming to?

I shudder to think that this is what women really want these days. If they do, then I’d going to have a hard time finding a woman. I am not, and probably never will be, some wafer thin polished up metro-sexual guy. I don’t have hair to but product in. I don’t exfoliate (at least not intentionally) and I have never used a moisturizer ever. I’ve never attempted man-scaping and probably never will. I’m all natural, ladies, and I’m proud of my mane of chest hair. If I wanted to have that polished look I’d have to shave twice a day because I grow actual facial hair. I don’t believe in vintage fit, slim fit, or girl jeans on a man. We are not a developing country and there is enough fabric to go around so that your shirt and your pants don’t have to look like they are painted on. Besides, if you’re a real man, then you know that tight clothes look way better on women than they do on men, it’s just a fact. I don’t need different cologne for every day of the week. I can smell the same from one day to the next. I buy a bottle of cologne and use it till it’s gone, and then I buy a new one. My dad has used the same cologne for as long as I’ve known. Go with what works. I only have five pairs of shoes, which is probably one too many. Everyday boots, nice boots, sneakers, sandals, and slippers…that’s it. I can’t fathom having more shoes than a woman and yet I know some guys that have shoes to coordinate with almost every outfit. Ridiculous.

Is this just a trend, like bell bottoms or Starter jackets? Will one day soon bring about the end of this scandalous fad of men dolling themselves up? Someone like me can only hope. Otherwise, I may very well become part of an endangered species…manly men. Sure, I’m not all grit and grime, cussing and spitting, but I don’t spend all day checking myself out in the mirror or lotioning my hands. The longest part of my regiment in the morning is shaving and that’s because I shave my head. Otherwise, from entering the shower to getting dressed is usually less than ten minutes. Show me a metro-sexual that can finish plucking his eyebrows in ten minutes, let alone be ready to go anywhere. So, if you are a man reading this, then I am calling you out. Quit trying to appease the hair product manufacturers and fashion magazines with this overindulgent grooming. Quit wearing clothes that are supposedly showing off your “muscles” or making a statement about your emotional volatility (yeah, you emo kids, I’m talking to you). Get yourself an easy fitting pair of jeans and a shirt that allows you to breath. Let your skin be oily or dry and your hands get chapped and worn. Be a man, for crying out loud! And ladies, please consider this yourselves. Do you want a man, or do you want another girlfriend just with different equipment? Once you realize you want a real man, give me a call…I’m available.