Civilized social graces means "take a bath"

Almost every man I know would agree with me on this…if we didn’t have to try to be clean and look good, we wouldn’t. If there wasn’t a basic societal pressure to not be offensive both visually and to the nostrils, men would still be slightly more than cavemen. This is where the live of the bachelor can be quite different than that of the non-bachelor. I am faced every day with the daunting task of personal grooming to impress. I know this for a fact from my married friends. Once you begin cohabitation in the bonds of matrimony, the need to impress more than one person who is already impressed with you seems to slip away. But, as a bachelor, you never know when you are going to come across that potential lady friend and looking like you just came out of a two week expedition in the bush is not the best start. I’m just saying, when I know I’m going to be coming across new people, potentially new and attractive women, I do everything I can to make an impression.

Why am I talking about this? There are two good reasons. The first one is concerning something I experienced last night. My global marketing professor is one of the nicest, funniest, and strangest guys in the world. We had our midterm exam last night and after every midterm in every class he teaches he takes the whole class out for a pizza dinner. So I went to the pizza dinner last night after the exam and of course I had a good time because I have really close friends in that class and like I said, the prof is a trip. We were sitting there, eating pizza, drinking beer, and shooting bull about jobs and relationships when in walks this tall, attractive woman who makes a bee line for our table. Apparently, this tall drink of water is in our class! How did I not know this? Well, tall women are my kryptonite and I was on the verge of making a move until I realized that I looked like hell. I have a two week beard, haven’t shaved my head, and was nursing a serious hangover…not impressive or sexy. I missed an opportunity to break the ice right there.

The second reason I am talking about this is that I have a new opportunity tonight. A close friend from high school who I reconnected with at my reunion is having a birthday dinner tonight. I know what those of you who know me personally are thinking…it’s TCU-SMU tonight, the Battle of the Iron Skillet, why is he going to a birthday dinner? Well, I’m TiVo-ing the game, so don’t tell me anything about it, but I care about my friends. If you’re one of my friends, you know that I go out of my way to be there for people who are important to me. Also, this is an opportunity to expand my horizons a little. The birthday girl has different sets of friends that I am not a part of. New people, new women to be introduced to is a great proposition. This means the operation to grow the beard out for Halloween is going to hit a snag. I am shaving it off tonight to be presentable. But, I will go back to the beard growing tomorrow.

The point I am trying to make is that personal grooming is an important part of the bachelor lifestyle. I go through several rituals to prepare myself for being out among the potential lady friends. As you may have seen, heard, or read about, I am voluntarily bald. I shave my head to reduce the shock of seeing a man in his twenties with thinning hair. Well, it isn’t the easiest thing in the world (I have a new appreciation for women who shave their legs regularly). I shave my head every other day. Since I’ve got the razor out, I usually shave my face on those days too. I have a time tested and well planned out combination of fragrances and deodorants and antiperspirants that keep me comfortable and feeling fresh. I always brush before leaving the house. Clean teeth and fresh breathe are endlessly important. I almost always have a shirt on that has a collar. It means that I look slightly more polished than the other guy who is wearing an Affliction shirt or whatever most douchebags are wearing these days, but still casual.

Appearance is everything to a bachelor. The nice car, clean and organized house, and personal appearance are all staples of the bachelor life. This is what I have learned over the years (especially recently). So I take things seriously when it comes to making the right impression through personal hygiene. Sure, it seems shallow, and it is…but in an open market (the dating world) the company with the most visible/tangible assets is going to attract investors (sorry, I’m watching Wall Street right now). Now, I’m not necessarily trying to find someone right now, but it never hurts to be prepared. And that’s all grooming is…preparation for being out among civilized company.

The New Me, I Mean Blog, New Blog

I’m going a new direction with the blog. Sorry to all of you who are deeply in love with the current format (all two of you). I enjoy writing about what I usually write about (religion, sports, and randomness) and I still will write about those things, but I feel like a blog should be more personal. I have felt my interest in blogging waning over the past few months and a change is definitely needed. A friend suggested that I blog about my experiences as a bachelor. You know, how awesome I am, how I handle things, etc. I trust this friend even though we have only really become close over the past two months (and she doesn’t live in the state). So, after much consideration and even more beer, I came to the conclusion that this is what I need to do. I am a rare thing among my friends, the bachelor. Even rarer still, I am the bachelor in his late twenties. I have been living the life over the past seven or eight years, but I have not really embraced my bachelorness until the past few weeks. It took God putting something in front of me and then swiftly taking it away for me to realize how much I needed to learn and experience on my own. So, this starts a new chapter for The Elder Statesman…blunt, honest talk about myself. Here it goes.

I had this really long blog written about how I use nicknames with my friends, but that doesn’t seem to do the idea of a new direction justice. Sure, it was funny and insightful like most of my writing, but it didn’t seem to make a point. It was more or less just rambling about how I use pet names and nicknames with my friends more than their own names. As I was driving home from my parents’ house tonight I came to the conclusion that I would talk about something more near and dear to my heart…Halloween costumes. As a kid we always had nice and relevant costumes. One year I was a Ghostbuster and I had the jumpsuit, the proton pack (the authentic toy one, not one I came up with myself), and realistic nametags. I looked good, if I do say so myself. Ever since then, if I have put on a costume, I have gone all out. A couple years ago I was a firefighter and I used my brother’s old bunker pants from when he was in training, an EMT shirt I had, and real rubber boots. I pulled it off so well that a friend driving up actually thought I was a real fireman. So, this year, with the potential for two Halloween parties to go to, I have been racking my brain to come up with something.

It was an epiphany, of sorts. I am the elder statesman of my friends. I am a bachelor. I have amazing skills and hidden talents that inspire awe from those who know me and those who don’t. Who could I be that would fit my personality and make a statement. The Dude from The Big Lebowski? Naw, I’ve got things together way more than he does. George Washington? I might be able to pull off the impressive revolutionary war uniform, but the powder wig, not so much. Humphrey Bogart? I admit, a white dinner jacket is classy as hell, but who else my age knows anything about Bogie. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks…I can be The Most Interesting Man in the World from the Dos Equis commercials! I can easily pull that off. Grow out the beard, get me some hair (by that, I mean a wig), and the rest of it is just a six pack of Dos Equis and a suit. Awesome! I mean, I am already a graduate of The Most Interesting Academy (http://dosequis.com/academy/) and I am well versed on the man, the myth, the legend that is The Most Interesting Man in the World. This will be great!

How could I not pull this off? I am a bachelor and it’s pretty obvious that The Most Interesting Man in the World is as well. How else could be pal around with the bevy of beauties you always see him with in the commercials? A wild, untamed man like him would not have been tied down into marriage (not that I don’t want to get married, I do, but just not yet). I am skilled at a variety of useful (and some not useful) crafts. In The Academy we call this The Eclectic Arts. And if you know anything about The Most Interesting Man in the World, you know that he is quite skilled. I draw the attention, respect, and honor of those around me (seriously, I not conceited, I’m just one of those people). People look to me for strength and guidance, which I happily give. The Most Interesting Man in the World is the same way. People are drawn to him, they want to know him, and they respect what he says. Truthishly, I am the most interesting man in the world (or at least in my world). So look forward to Halloween weekend when you will definitely see pictures of me posted on facebook in my costume. How will you tell it is me? I will be the one you won’t be able to stop looking at…because I am that interesting.