Mount Tater and Lake Gravy

I went to lunch with the family last weekend as my brother and sister were preparing to go out of town this week. It was one last chance to catch up on things before being in different cities for a few days. Sounds a little crazy, I know, but I don’t care because I got to see my niece for a few hours. She even went all thug at one point and threw her glass bottle to the ground, shattering it and spraying apple juice everywhere. She’s hardcore…straight from the hood! Anyway, we went to a country style eatery near my brother’s place and I got me some chicken fried steak (it is the Sunday special after all). It comes with mashed potatoes and realized once again my love affair with them. Sure I have had mashed potatoes off and on over the past months, but there’s something about having mashed potatoes and chicken fried anything that just rekindles your love. Must be the gravy…thus I thought I would elaborate on my love of mashed potatoes today.

Are ya’ll ready? Ready to get your mash on long? Ready to get your mash on strong? How great is it that a bunch of rock-hard brown things yanked from the dirt can turn into a creamy smooth-n-salty canvas of deliciousness right in the middle of our plates? I’m talking salty lumps, I’m talking tasty bumps, I’m talking mashed potatoes, people. Mashed potatoes require a certain artistry to make, especially from scratch. Sure, the instant mashed potato flakes don’t measure up to the real thing, but if prepared properly, they are more than serviceable. My family has a long tradition of making mashed potatoes properly from scratch, however. You have to know what to use and what not to use. If the potatoes are cooked just right, then you don’t need to cheat by adding sour cream or any other binding agent to them before mashed. All you need is a little salt and pepper, milk, and butter (unsalted real butter is best). Some people like their mashed taters with skins…I say to each their own. I can say that sometimes skins add a little flavor and sometimes they make the whole thing taste like dirt.

Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty here. The true loveliness of mashed potatoes comes from the fact that they are moldable. Their like Play-Doh that you can eat and it doesn’t have the taste of Play-Doh (for all you weirdoes out there who actually ate Play-Doh as a kid…weirdoes). Mashed potatoes are one of the few foods who achieve that rare 10 out of 10 on sculpt-ability. This comes in handy when eating your mashed potatoes with gravy. I don’t know where the heavenly combination of mashed potatoes and gravy came from, but it is truly glorious. There are many ways you can form your taters to handle the gravy properly:
- Lakes and ponds. The classic. Nobody’s bending burgers into teapots or folding pancakes into salad plates, but we’ve got no problems curving sloppy potatoes into gravy swimming pools in no time flat.
- Broken dams. Need some gravy on that turkey? No problem! Just slice a gully in the side of Lake Gravy and watch the salty brown goodness lay a flash flood on that bird.
- Retaining walls. Sorry? What’s that? Unruly cranberry sauce is threatening to contaminate your casserole? No problem! Just smear some mashed potato paste across your plate like mortar and keep all the flavors where they belong.
- Buried volcano. When you got the gravy pond sitting pretty on your plate it’s sometimes fun letting it soak in and then quickly flipping the entire structure onto itself, completely submerging the gravy under a thin sheen of potato. Now you’ve got a starchy chest full of treasure.

And because mashed potatoes offer so much potential it’s not uncommon to see other creations like green-bean porcupines or lumpy Pyramids of Giza in the middle of a mashed potato plate. I am not advocating playing with your food, not in the least. I was raised a southern gentleman by a good Catholic couple from up north (a contradiction, I know), but that means you sit up, keep your elbows off the table, and don’t play with your food (while anyone is looking). I have to admit, I am stung by the creativity bug when I’ve got a smooth pile of mashed potatoes on my plate. I try to find ways to eat them so as to form a story. Like the army is surrounding the potato village and their cannons are breaking down the potato walls slowly, bit by bit. There is really no limit to the possibilities so just remember to dig for the moment, sculpt for the memories, and build for your life.