The new life project of marriage

I attended the wedding of my cousin this weekend and was confronted with a question I’m sure many people have, yet few people voice…what is marriage? It may seem that a bachelor is not the one to answer that question. I am not married nor have I ever been married - which doesn't exactly qualify me to talk about marriage. Yet marriage is certainly a worthy topic for discussion. It is something that needs to be more clearly understood and more deeply appreciated. But as Catholics, it is not about marriage, it is about the Sacrament of Marriage.

Although I am not married myself, I have experienced the Sacrament of Marriage. I have witnessed the marriages of friends and family. I have participated in the wedding ceremony many times. Even before my infant Baptism I was born into a Christian marriage. What I am going to say about the sacrament is drawn from my experience of my parents and the many married couples with whom I have discussed the meaning of the sacrament. These couples have often told me of the meaning which they find in this sacrament. Marriage involves embarking on a new life project.

A new life project
We each have something that we want to do with our lives: something we want to become. It may take us a while to find out what that "something" is, but eventually a life project forms, either consciously or unconsciously. And it seems to me that as people pursue this goal, whatever it may be - to be a skilled surgeon, to be the best kindergarten teacher that ever lived, to own a farm or whatever else they may see their life to be about - they sometimes encounter another human being to whom they are so attracted that the love of this other person supersedes all other life goals and ambitions. They undertake a new life project.

Little by little they decide that first on their agenda is now going to be the life, the happiness, the holiness of this other person. The good of this other takes precedence even over the desires and dreams they have for themselves. And when that other makes the same decision, together the two embark on a whole new adventure. It seems to me that this is the basic meaning of the

Sacrament of Marriage.
The sacrament reveals the religious dimension of marriage. Besides the human, social and legal dimensions of marriage - the public sign that one gives oneself totally to this other person - sacramental marriage is also a public statement about God. The celebration of each of the sacraments reveals something of this ultimate reality: who God is and who God is for us.
In the Scriptures the relationship between God and God's people is often described in terms of a marriage. The early Christians, reflecting on Christ's love for us, also used this image. Christ and the Church embrace in mutual love and self-giving, even as do husband and wife (see, for example, Ephesians 5:21-33). "'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and the church" (Ephesians 5:31-32).

What makes a marriage
Sometimes you can learn a lot about something by looking at its opposite. We can learn about the marriage sacrament by considering what leads the Church, in the case of annulments, to see that two people never were truly married.

"An annulment is just a Catholic way of getting a divorce." I have heard this said by many people in many different circumstances (and there are times when I feel that there is an element of truth in this statement). Yet I remain convinced that an annulment is a very different thing from a divorce. Divorce is the legal dissolution of a marriage. An annulment is the legal declaration that a valid sacramental marriage never existed.

In order for a Christian marriage to take place the man and woman must be capable of entering into such a sacrament. The individuals must have the capacity to give such a gift. This capacity develops gradually. When we were children our parents taught us little by little to be generous - first with things, then with ourselves. We were taught to share toys, playthings, bicycles and birthday cake. Little by little, we learned to share our time and ourselves.

This gradual learning to give of ourselves is the necessary preparation for marriage. A person who has not journeyed sufficiently on the road to maturity and generosity is not capable of a true marriage, even though he or she may be quite capable of sharing an apartment or conceiving a child.

There are many reasons why two particular people cannot join their lives in the marriage project. It is not always a culpable lack of generosity. Sometimes it becomes apparent only years after the wedding ceremony that there was no marriage there in the first place. To declare publicly that the marriage never existed is what Catholics call an "annulment."

Our marriage covenant with God
In each of the sacraments a window opens and we can glimpse the mystery of God and God's plan for the salvation of the world. In Christian marriage we see that God was not content to be alone, but embarked on a whole new life project. Out of love God created us and all that is. God is faithful no matter what. Whether we are faithful or faithless, God is faithful; whether we wander away in sin or remain in the embrace of love, God is always there and is ever ready to embrace us.

This sacramental sign, which the husband and wife give to each other, they also give to the entire community of witnesses. I too have made commitments to God and God has made commitments to me. There are times when I wonder if God will be faithful. I have never seen God, but I can see the fidelity of Christian husbands and wives. Their love for each other is a sacramental sign and witness of God's love for me. I believe that our human lives are interconnected, like a fabric, woven together by many commitments. The fidelity of their commitment strengthens my own commitments.