It's Race Time in Texas...and You Might Want Some Sunscreen

First and foremost, I would like to apologize for some off color comments I made in Friday's post. I realize that the word "queer" is offensive and the preferred nomenclature is "homosexual." These remarks were made toward one of the drivers in NASCAR's Nextel Cup. Many people may think that I was just throwing these words around because I don't like this driver, hence making them unfounded accusations. But, I tend to disagree and if you found what I said on Friday offensive, you better skip the next few sentences. Jeff Gordon sucks dick. There are only two types of people in the world who do that: women and queers. Though I am not sure whether or not Gordon is a woman, I am most definitely sure that he is a peter-puffing queer. Hence, since we don't let queers win NASCAR races in Texas, the "Rainbow Warrior" (Rainbow Splashed Queer) didn't win yesterday's Samsung 500 Nextel Cup race.

Now for a race recap: Jeff Burton became the first repeat winner in 13 Texas Motor Speedway races when he passed Matt Kenseth on the last lap for the win. Burton put his Chevrolet Monte Carlo alongside Kenseth's Ford heading to the white flag and made the winning pass in the second turn. It was Burton's 19th career Cup victory as he defeated Kenseth by 0.041 seconds. He scored his first career Cup victory here in 1997. Burton commended Kenseth for being a great driver, but felt that luck came on his side when there was a long run to the finish. Coming off a two-race layoff, Mark Martin finished third in a Chevrolet. Jeff Gordon (queer), who dominated the race leading four times for 173 laps (luck over skill), saw his chance at his first Texas victory ruined when he brushed the wall on lap 311 (queers like brushing up against hard objects). He was able to finish fourth (if you ain't first, you're last). Jamie McMurray was fifth in a Ford to give Roush Fenway Racing two cars in the top five. Kenseth appeared on his way to a weekend sweep after Saturday's Busch race winner passed Gordon for the lead with 13 laps to go. But he couldn't hold off Burton, whose car only got better on the long runs. Kenseth was disappointed in the loss considering he felt he had a great setup going into the final laps, but was happy for his friend's win. Dale Earnhardt Jr. had another dominant car, leading three times for 96 laps before he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It started on lap 239 when Juan Pablo Montoya (asshole) ran into Tony Stewart's car as the two drivers were racing side-by-side. Jimmie Johnson also was involved in that crash and was knocked out of the race while Stewart and Montoya remained. But Stewart spun out again in the fourth turn on lap 252 while racing for a position he didn't have (he was 3 laps back and was jockeying for a position in front of someone on the lead lap) and Earnhardt slowed down. But Kyle Busch (dickhead) did not let off the accelerator and plowed into the back of Earnhardt's car. Dale Jr. trying to remain in the race, but the damage to his car was just too much. Ironically, after Busch's team repaired the Chevrolet, they couldn't find their driver and asked Earnhardt to finish the race in the No. 5 car with 10 laps to go. Earnhardt was credited with a 36th-place finish in his car and finished the race 37th in Busch's ride, thus proving that Dale Jr. is a master of the racing world. Despite the wrecks that involved the high-profile drivers, there were only seven cautions for 33 laps. That helped Burton, whose car wasn't at its best at the beginning of a green-flag run, but hit its rhythm over the long haul. And in the end, with stars such as Earnhardt, Gordon and Johnson victims of crashes and brushes to the wall, it allowed two former teammates at Roush to battle for the victory on the last lap. I'm proud of Burton for finishing the race clean when he had several chancing to take out Kenseth for the win. Burton knew he couldn't win the race with flat-out speed and is completely opposed to dirty racing, so he took a cerebral approach that ended in victory. Burton, who collected $526,766, told reporters that the money is cool after the fact but there is nothing cooler than having the trophy. "That's what wakes you up in the morning." What about my buddy, Clint Bowyer? He had a great starting position and had a good run up until the second caution when he went in to pit. After that pit stop he dropped about 15 positions and hung around 25th place for the majority of the race. With race leaders wrecking out all over the place, Clint had the opportunity to pick up a few positions. After the last two restarts, he used smart racing to move himself up to 16th place, where he finished the race. The points he picked up for finishing the race kept him in the top twelve in Nextel Point Standings, which is what is most important due to NASCAR's Race for the Cup style playoff strategy.

As for the experience…my arms and face are burnt red. We had a great time. I can't really explain it. It is just amazing. You really just have to experience it yourself to understand. We left from my brother's house around nine in the morning in order to beat the traffic, but there really wasn't that much traffic. We got parked in our Express parking and just hung around the truck for a while watching the cute girls at the Jack Daniel's tent mix drinks. Then we made our way to our seats. Our seats were on the opposite side of the track from our parking which meant we had a little bit of a trek, but we went around the front of the speedway where the midway was. We got to walk through all the fun stuff going on and all the trailers with merchandise. It's really funny because when you walk up on the Dale Jr. (yay!) and Jeff Gordon (douchebag) trailers there is just a huge crowd lined up to buy their stuff. I say that's funny because when you walk past someone like Denny Hamlin's trailer, there is no one there. We stopped by one of the raceway merchandise trailers to buy some earplugs (just in case) and then made our way into the speedway. Our seats were 15 rows up coming out of turn four. We could see practically the whole track and the pit entrance. We had brought our own coolers and were there about an hour and a half before start time so we just relaxed and ate our sandwiches. It was just awesome. I really don't know how to explain it. You can watch it on TV every weekend and it doesn't give you the same feeling as being there. There is a whole etiquette to being there too. Whenever they are about to start, whether it be the first green flag or the fifth green flag after a caution, you stand up and cheer them by. If you have, you share, and that includes your binoculars, beer, food, scanner, and the guy next to us even gave us the last of his funnel cake. I went through the first hundred laps without my earplugs before I had to put them in, just as a comfort thing. NASCAR is nowhere near as load as Indy or Formula 1, but on a long track like TMS the cars get so spread out that they are constantly passing by you, making it difficult to bear. We had an all-around good time out there. Could have used a butt pad for the bleaches there, but I have recovered. The sunburn, however, may take a little longer to heal.